“Love is what God is, love is why Jesus came, and love is why he continues to come, year after year to person after person.
May you experience this vast, expansive, infinite, indestructible love that has been yours all along. May you discover that this love is as wide as the sky and as small as the cracks in your heart no one else knows about. And may you know, deep in your bones, that love wins.”
It’s officially sembreak and I’ve got three weeks to spare to transform myself. Tomorrow’s the day I begin hardcore exercise and eating right by studying the diet plan I bought and I am hoping to God it works, and even if it doesn’t, God knows it’s already a big step in this sedentary life I live. Sometimes fear comes in being too afraid of doing something and ending up with a horrible result and this whole time that’s who I’ve been. I’ve been too afraid that I don’t even try. Before I’ve started, I’ve already given up. That habit’s going to break tomorrow. I guess I finally realized that maybe it’s not about the results. Maybe it’s the stepping up– the inner transformation that forms within somebody from at least trying, and trying, and trying again. It’s like failing and making better mistakes; learning and growing from the opportunities given, and finally basking in the glory from making it after so many days of failure. I know I’m going to enjoy when I am finally there. But first the process has to begin with me. As Benjamin Stone quoted on twitter, no sport is as dangerous as sitting around doing nothing. A sedentary lifestyle is tantamount to base jumping for the heart. I am only hurting myself and it’s time for me to actually get that I DO deserve better. That I AM worth it. No more self-hate. It’s time to do things that will get me to love myself. I am going to move and I am going to love and I am going to form a personal relationship with God again and I will be better than before. I will be happy and I will finally love life.
It’s time I give myself the love and care that I have always deserved.
Quit trying to straighten out your life before you give it to God. Give God your crooked self now, and let Him figure out what to do with it. Jesus built a movement on lepers, prostitutes and tax collectors. He can work with what you’ve got, and straighten you out in the process, but you have to be willing to stand before Him, sins and all, and say: ‘I don’t know why you’d want me, but if that’s what you’re asking for, here I am.’ – Unka Glen
It’s post-first-senior-semester and I am wondering on all my life has come to. I feel old, ripe, and rotten. I remember being an adult in a teenager’s body; so mature and wise for my age from all the experiences I’ve been and all the conversations I’ve had with God. So many questions that have already been answered and locked away for me to easily take but now I’m just so lost and lonely and alone; officially an adult but just a brooding teenager inside trying to get my life back and piece everything together to fit the reality I want to live. I have been so lost so long, so afraid of being unfound that all I really do is wait for that bang; the big finish in the middle that’ll let me know that all of this misery and waiting hasn’t been for nothing. But I guess that’s the problem. All I really do is wait without wanting enough, or acting, and I’m trying so hard to fix myself before searching for Him– trying to do everything alone thinking I can do it when maybe it’s time I realize that maybe God wants me broken. Maybe He wants to be given the opportunity to love me as I am and fix all that’s crumbled inside me. If it’s anything I learned, I realized that God doesn’t stop loving you. Even if you don’t love yourself or ignore Him every time He knocks, good things keep coming and so will His love forever. His love isn’t based on conditions, on whether you love Him or not or whether you even acknowledge His presence. I guess it’s the constant and I guess it’s why I’m trying so hard to fix myself without His help. Just to try to prove that maybe, I can do it alone. But I am tired of waiting and of this brokenness. This misery and fear that keeps me hidden in my room, preventing me to experience all the things I have yet to experience. I am 20. I don’t want to waste any more. I want to be the person I want to be. I’m just so afraid of finding everything too late.
I am a sinner and I am broken and I am human but I’m no longer doing this on my own. Each step of the way I’m going to try to offer it up to God. Maybe all God wants is me and it’s time I stopped lying to myself and facing what’s there. It’s difficult looking myself in the mirror lately. So much brightness and opportunity down the drain at the strange face now staring back at me that I have forced the mirror on backwards, just so I don’t have to see. But acceptance is the first step, and I’m not giving up. It’s time I stopped waiting. Here’s to offering myself up and hoping that somewhere along the way I’ll be my very own miracle.
It’s time for me to open.
I’m already failing eco. Please do some miracle on my grades. Let our teacher be kind and help us pass. Please. 😦
It’s raining and it’s beautiful. 🙂
I wish I believed in coincidences but I don’t. Random things just don’t happen for no reason, and neither are the choices we take. Every inch you move affects the timeline of your life. First look it is small and insignificant but it matters. Every little thing, every detail matters. What you decide to eat for breakfast–whether taking it light or heavy which could affect the rest of your day when your tummy begins making horrible grumbling noises in class with your crush seated behind you, or if it gives you enough energy to stay awake; whether you decide to leave for school earlier than usual, because you don’t want to be late and crash into a road accident on the way, still ending up late anyway. Taking another route, a different direction, a stray from the usual and bumping into old faces, new places, thoughts that emerge from the visions in front of you and the thumping feelings that let you know that you are here, you breathe, you’re not a lost cause.
I received a comment on my previous post from a girl named Adrienne who is also on WordPress (atreegrowsinbklyn if you want to check her out) letting me know that she appreciates the personal contemplations I write on here, which smacked my head because just minutes ago, I created a post feeling low entitled “Nobody really appreciates me” then deleted it right after thinking it was bordering ’emo’ which is the one adjective I hate being associated with, its runner up being ‘sad.’ And of course, as always my thoughts somehow stray on God, even though we aren’t really on speaking terms my heart still calls out to him, waits a while, then shuts Him out again when silence is all that’s there, and here comes Adrienne minutes after, making me think, letting me know what I choose to ignore.
I don’t believe in coincidences. There is a fate– the good kind that comes from the universe and ultimately from the One who loves us most, and there is a beautiful process in the making; sometimes so simple it’s easy to overlook. It’s going to take me a while to get from where I was and move forward but I am certain I will make it somehow, some day in this journey I walk. This wasn’t random, I don’t think, and there is a God trying to tell me something, or cheer me up, or shine bright rays of light on me, dancing stars that shimmer in the dark so I can know I am not alone; that He is out there and He’s never stopped watching; that He is silent for a reason; and that I will never cease being loved. There is a God but as usual here I am, writing this instead of talking to Him. I’m overwhelmed, weak, vulnerable, and ashamed, and I don’t know how to fix me so I can be worth it for Him again. I want to please but right now isn’t right yet. Knock again in a minute, Dad. Knock until I’m ready. Knock 1440 minutes every day, or if you’d rather 86400 seconds that’s okay too. Knock me out until I’m too tired of the hard effort at keeping me shut. They say God does 99% of the work; that sometimes all you need to give is just a little back. So little it’s ridiculous but in God’s eyes it’s more than enough. It’s going to take me some time. Good thing Dads love their daughters so much to hold all the drama and wait it out. They wait until you’re ready to face them and the world again. I am confident God will do the same.
There is a God, and I am a human girl, and who’s to say love cannot exist between the two because in the end there is a Dad and there is a daughter and because of this, everything is enough. Every thing is ultimately love.