Take that chance.

Three Weeks Can Be Enough if You Let It

It’s officially sembreak and I’ve got three weeks to spare to transform myself. Tomorrow’s the day I begin hardcore exercise and eating right by studying the diet plan I bought and I am hoping to God it works, and even if it doesn’t, God knows it’s already a big step in this sedentary life I live. Sometimes fear comes in being too afraid of doing something and ending up with a horrible result and this whole time that’s who I’ve been. I’ve been too afraid that I don’t even try. Before I’ve started, I’ve already given up. That habit’s going to break tomorrow. I guess I finally realized that maybe it’s not about the results. Maybe it’s the stepping up– the inner transformation that forms within somebody from at least trying, and trying, and trying again. It’s like failing and making better mistakes; learning and growing from the opportunities given, and finally basking in the glory from making it after so many days of failure. I know I’m going to enjoy when I am finally there. But first the process has to begin with me. As Benjamin Stone quoted on twitter, no sport is as dangerous as sitting around doing nothing. A sedentary lifestyle is tantamount to base jumping for the heart. I am only hurting myself and it’s time for me to actually get that I DO deserve better. That I AM worth it. No more self-hate. It’s time to do things that will get me to love myself. I am going to move and I am going to love and I am going to form a personal relationship with God again and I will be better than before. I will be happy and I will finally love life.

It’s time I give myself the love and care that I have always deserved.

Once more it’s a Dead-End

I feel like my life’s going downhill at every turn; and I just wish I could make everything alright again. I’d never admit this out loud but I am lonely– not in the sense that I am looking for any romantic relationship like every hopeless damsel in distress but just lonely that I’ve cut off my relationships with people and ended up with somebody ugly. I can’t find meaning, my innings are empty. I’ve been misplaced.

Nothing in my life’s particularly beautiful anymore, including myself, and every single day I am facing the darkness, waiting for the grace to be free of this; to be free of me and all I’ll never be.

I’ll never be is what haunts me. A lifetime is awfully long when the word never is at its head.

On looking at the mirror and feeling like dying.

I wish I could be this skinny again. I hate it that when I look at the mirror I’m not happy with what I see, and it’s not that I don’t accept the way I am– I just don’t particularly accept the fact that I’ve gained weight. Every time dad sees me eat, he tells me I need to gym already which means that it’s even worse than I thought– people are starting to notice, especially my dad. I’ve been so stagnant and lazy, eating and eating and eating without moving to burn off that ew, I am so disgusting when I look at myself. I can’t believe I let myself get this far. It makes me want to go anorexic (see how lazy I am; I’d rather not eat than work out!). But the truth is I have and I can’t deny it anymore by not looking in the mirror and pretending I’m alright, that I’m still thin in my head because I’m NOT. I have to push and give effort on losing weight again and I am so afraid of the struggle that I haven’t even started yet, so afraid of not succeeding that I haven’t moved. Do you see what a coward I am? I know who I want to be but I’m still too afraid of change, not wanting to let go of what is familiar, not wanting to work even just a little bit to achieve. The worst thing that crosses my mind is actually participating in the act and coming up with ZERO results or worse –more weight gain. I just want to start shedding them off already. I want quick results so the sooner it’s off, the sooner everybody gets off my case and the sooner I can start living my life. I have to put this irrational fear out of my mind of not changing. Let me move, and let me change, and let me lose all this off. I have to begin somewhere. God, just please let it work. Please. I am going to try my best at exercise here but please, let my body and the universe cooperate with me too. I AM GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT. May the force be with me.

On Losing a Guinea Pig

I came across this symbolic list for weight loss today:

Your weight loss =

1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = an automobile tire
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephants heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephants penis
66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the Worlds Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and shes 5’11”)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and shes 5’4½”)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony

It’s strange but it can actually be a motivating force for future announcements such as “Guess what? I’ve lost weight equivalent to a sperm whale’s brain!”. That’s actually my goal right now, to lose a pound a week by decreasing what I eat and doing a little exercise here and there, mostly swimming and jogging around the village when I have the time and company. It’s actually strange but I have recently just realized how unhealthy I am right now and it’s so appalling how I was just fine more than a year ago. A lot can really happen in a year and I vow that by the time I am twenty-one, I will be living a totally healthier lifestyle. I can’t promise that I’ll look good but I can promise that my diet and exercise will be on a regular basis and I will take care of myself to the point of control and love.You know those frustrating moments when you see a delicious pastry in front of your eyes and you tell yourself, DON’T LOOK AT IT but you can’t resist anyway and in the end, you gulp the whole thing in one bite savoring its deliciousness and then you begin feeling sorry for yourself afterwards at the heaviness you know you’ve gained from overeating? That can’t happen anymore. No more slip ups (although exceptions may be allowed SOMETIMES– not often!). I have to be good to myself. No more pity parties after indulging. If I overeat, I exercise. If I know I won’t exercise for that day, I won’t overeat. Let’s stick to the basics first.

According to the calorie calculator, I burn about 1,690 calories each day, even without exercise. (Gosh I hope that’s right because I REALLY do no exercise at all… well let’s say 1,500 then to be safe). In order to lose a pound each week, I have to cut back at least 500 calories of that. To lose a rack of baby back ribs, I have to cut back 1000. Of course I’m going to stay safe and not starve myself to death here; it’ll only slow down my metabolism and hold on to my fat which I am desperately trying to rid therefore cutting back my take in and definite swimming thrice a week should do. I have exactly eight weeks before the second semester begins; a week each to lose a guinea pig, and by the end I should’ve lost an entire human head! It is a start.

A year ago, I actually tried to lose weight by going to the gym and ‘kind of’ eating less but nothing worked for me. I stayed the same throughout. This pissed me off which may be why I am usually so hopeless when it comes to weightloss but this time I am excited because now I can force my body to stop being sedentary! Surely I will see results soon.

Here’s to losing a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts by next weekend!