The space where the metaphysical and the existentialist connect is my God-given name: Alexis. I’m currently twenty years old, living a life I’m not really living; more like watching it move from a distance in a body I did not choose and an existence that had known my name before I was born. I am written in the constellations, in the pouring rain, in the way the breeze kisses my face, and the sun tints upon my burned skin. Mostly I am held dear in the palm of the Creator’s hand– the Father Almighty– called here towards a purpose I do not yet know, in a world I cannot fit in nor understand. I am neither metaphysical nor an existentialist (but maybe I am); I just put them together because they connected at my identity, what I am called here on Earth must mean something. I dare not think I’m insignificant.
I’m just a girl trying to figure out how to move about in this world where there are more ways than one to living but all of them matter somehow; all of them connect at an invisible dot that sometimes lights in the dark where distractions dim. I have always been a lover of the metaphysical– the more; the bigger picture and the afterlife where being human is not the destination and is instead the bridge of journey towards the Heavens. I am a believer in miracles, in the fairy tale ending, in everlasting love and magical things, but all this points to the metaphysical which I am putting above over the experience of existence– of humanity. Following the thoughts of the philosopher Nietzsche, to be human is a gift. That we often look towards the metaphysical– in fact prioritize it instead of embracing the complexity of being human. He promotes the acceptance of human struggle, “You must still have chaos in oneself in order to give birth to a dancing star.” And indeed I am in chaos, this is the boiling point of being human. So complex, intricate, thorny. So lost in the undertow.
The philosopher does not reject the metaphysical, but simply teaches to embrace the rawness of humanity; don’t trade it for the world. To Nietzsche, humanity is not a definition. It is a task; a condition. A situatedness or givenness to us all that ultimately we must learn to embrace, to overcome, to love. To dance with the chaos in order to cross the bridge and move forward.
Still a believer, this is my endeavor.
It’s November 22 already. Can you believe it? Time is passing me by like the winds missing its beat, unable to hold the strength of its own forcefulness. I am so human today– more flawed than I have ever been, distorted and confused of the right way for me. I just want to be. The taste so delightful I keep coming back– addictive; boisterous– is it wrong? Am I wrong for just wanting to live? Can God understand this need, my decision?
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I wish I could read minds. I wonder of the depth of the thoughts of those around me– strangers with little emotions on their faces– masks I wish we never had to wear. I wonder of their fears, their foolish dreams, the shallow ideas I know occupy the spaces of their brains, especially the deep ones– the darkest, buried like a dangerous fire, afraid to consume. I want to know what their lives are made of. If maybe people are like me at all.
The most interesting of them live out of boxes. I can’t truly name a single one. I am dying for answers.
Torn by One Direction
You find hope in the littlest of places. In my case, I found it in this song. But most importantly, the beautiful boys behind this song. It’s not that I’m fangirling but these boys are closest to the ‘real-est’ people I’ve seen in a while, so genuine and quirky and care-free and open; and I guess all I’ve ever wanted to be. They make me feel lucky to be alive.
You will always find hope.
Everydayisa wrote a very inspiring post today– one I very much needed to read. And I quote,
You’re stumbling into a new space with new dreams, new people, new discoveries and new doors. We’ve all been here before. We’ve all had our well-lined plans knocked down to the ground by an invisible force. We’ve all found ourselves back at Square One. We welcome you to this place of New Beginnings. Personally, I hope you let your time here change you. Let your vulnerability be the place where you find the very best of yourself.
Because, bittersweetly, this is not going to last forever.
But while life is conveniently falling apart so that a few more beautiful things can fall together, I hope you invest time in solitude. Get to know who you are without the trappings of company. Relish the quiet moments. Acknowledge your demons. But, most of all, build a vivid love affair with yourself.
You’ll find that there is nothing to be lost in loving yourself better. In fact, it is the secret behind loving people with greater compassion and fiercer loyalty.
I hope that the deconstruction of your life will mean the reconstruction of you. I hope that you will embrace this chapter as a time to re-evaluate the weight of your own passion and dreams. You are not going to dare settle for a small life. You will not let pain paralyze you. Rather, you will allow it to be the catalyst that gets you chasing after the life you always dreamed of.
This is the season of you. The season of making yourself Somebody, not for Anybody, but for You.
I have always been afraid of loss without really understanding what it meant or what I’d come to lose in the first place. It has always been a series of fights and struggles just so I wouldn’t go through the pain of losing but guess what? These past months I’ve been losing, every damn day and today I’m struck by the weight of my decisions and all the careless mistakes I made and the time I let waste away. I got two F’s this semester and not just in any subjects but in my majors too. Two F’s. I’ve never gotten an F my entire life. In fact, this isn’t the girl I’ve ever been. God, I am so terrified. So shaken of seeing the actual print– a real sign of who I’ve been these past months finally coming to play in my head. I deserve this, I really do. But I’m alive, I’m awake, and the best thing I can do is not let it happen to me again. I’m following Isa’s advice. I have to change, and I have to be better. Within these failures I am slowly learning to embrace, I hope I find the very best of me. I am truly splendid and great. I am talented and wise. This time I’m going to be brave. I’m renovating myself and I swear, I’ll be better than alright and more than just good enough. To the beauty in change and the unmarked and cloudless future. Being back to Square One never felt this right. 🙂
Make it count, beautiful.
Make it count.
Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters. – John Greene
I am writing again about the life I wish I already started living. Sometimes I think life is wasted on me. When my head’s not in the game, and I’m an idiot for doing what I do. There is no shame in wishing but it is tragic living separate lives forgetting which is real and living in the fiction. I want to be somebody; this person in my head that matters and is worth it and is needed and can make something of herself. But it’s difficult coming to terms with who I’ve become, what I’ve let get so far and I am afraid. I am
afraid terrified of failing. Of not being good enough. Of trying and it not mattering. But there is a tiny part of me that’s telling me that the pain of sitting here, waiting around and doing nothing is worse.
It hurts because it matters. Please, Lex, don’t do this to yourself anymore. WAKE THE FUCK UP