I feel like my life’s going downhill at every turn; and I just wish I could make everything alright again. I’d never admit this out loud but I am lonely– not in the sense that I am looking for any romantic relationship like every hopeless damsel in distress but just lonely that I’ve cut off my relationships with people and ended up with somebody ugly. I can’t find meaning, my innings are empty. I’ve been misplaced.
Nothing in my life’s particularly beautiful anymore, including myself, and every single day I am facing the darkness, waiting for the grace to be free of this; to be free of me and all I’ll never be.
I’ll never be is what haunts me. A lifetime is awfully long when the word never is at its head.
Let me tell you something I’ve never told anybody: I am a chatter. I am one of those people who discovered the mystery of chatting on the web with random strangers and somehow finding solace, or joy in knowing that if I can’t find friends to attract in life, at least on the web I am somebody. Not that it counts for much, it started when I was about 13 years old. Imagine at that age, I didn’t know what to do, and all people ever seemed to care about was whoever looked pretty enough to talk to because people on the web are losers who have no life, and it wasn’t that way for me, it was more of boredom and needing somebody to talk to even if it were somebody I didn’t know, to me it mattered still. I was young, naïve, and safe so I used fake pictures and names– and of course, you wouldn’t want to fake a picture of somebody ugly so instead I used beautiful people and soon, people started to flock every time I came. It became an addiction. It has defined who I am and I am not proud of that person, and I am terribly sorry for all those people online whose lives I have touched and lied to, by saying I was a person I never was. Today I got found out, and yes this has been going on for years and look where this has me: still the same, still stubborn, still unable to let go of this silly play.
I am tired of feigning to be somebody I am not. I am tired of lying, of being too ashamed of who I am to hide and choose to be somebody instead of revealing me and that is the biggest sin; to think less of myself when God has made me a beautiful being deserving of recognition for who I exactly am. The thing I learned through all this is that although the truth hurts, lies hurt worse. It not only hurts the people around you but it hurts yourself further. I don’t want to do that anymore. Lies always catch up to you in the end and it has taken me this long to realize because through all those years of pretending, nobody caught me out or nobody told on me, until now.
I am not proud of the person I used to be but I have to move forward and learn from my mistakes. My experiences produce growth, and I just wish I could say sorry to all the people I ever lied to and hurt, to the people whose lives I never meant to come across but did, as another person instead of truly being me. I am stopping all things that have to do with meeting strangers online, or pretending to be somebody else, and I wish I could confess to all those online people but I’m not ready for that yet, and I don’t think I’ll ever be. It’s a good thing nobody talks to me as much anymore so I won’t be missed, and they can move on without ever wondering what happened to the fake me that I was. I am ashamed and I am sorry. Useful advice: Don’t tell lies. Don’t fake yourself. It only hurts. Say no to different realities. There’s no point. Live only one. Be You. Love who you are and be true to yourself. I will finally be.
I am truly sorry to you all, and mostly to myself for letting this on too far and for belittling the giant person I know I am inside.