God lives.

I wish I believed in coincidences but I don’t. Random things just don’t happen for no reason, and neither are the choices we take. Every inch you move affects the timeline of your life. First look it is small and insignificant but it matters. Every little thing, every detail matters. What you decide to eat for breakfast–whether taking it light or heavy which could affect the rest of your day when your tummy begins making horrible grumbling noises in class with your crush seated behind you, or if it gives you enough energy to stay awake; whether you decide to leave for school earlier than usual, because you don’t want to be late and crash into a road accident on the way, still ending up late anyway. Taking another route, a different direction, a stray from the usual and bumping into old faces, new places, thoughts that emerge from the visions in front of you and the thumping feelings that let you know that you are here, you breathe, you’re not a lost cause.

I received a comment on my previous post from a girl named Adrienne who is also on WordPress (atreegrowsinbklyn if you want to check her out) letting me know that she appreciates the personal contemplations I write on here, which smacked my head because just minutes ago, I created a post feeling low entitled “Nobody really appreciates me” then deleted it right after thinking it was bordering ’emo’ which is the one adjective I hate being associated with, its runner up being ‘sad.’ And of course, as always my thoughts somehow stray on God, even though we aren’t really on speaking terms my heart still calls out to him, waits a while, then shuts Him out again when silence is all that’s there, and here comes Adrienne minutes after, making me think, letting me know what I choose to ignore.

I don’t believe in coincidences. There is a fate– the good kind that comes from the universe and ultimately from the One who loves us most, and there is a beautiful process in the making; sometimes so simple it’s easy to overlook. It’s going to take me a while to get from where I was and move forward but I am certain I will make it somehow, some day in this journey I walk. This wasn’t random, I don’t think, and there is a God trying to tell me something, or cheer me up, or shine bright rays of light on me, dancing stars that shimmer in the dark so I can know I am not alone; that He is out there and He’s never stopped watching; that He is silent for a reason; and that I will never cease being loved. There is a God but as usual here I am, writing this instead of talking to Him. I’m overwhelmed, weak, vulnerable, and ashamed, and I don’t know how to fix me so I can be worth it for Him again. I want to please but right now isn’t right yet. Knock again in a minute, Dad. Knock until I’m ready. Knock 1440 minutes every day, or if you’d rather 86400 seconds that’s okay too. Knock me out until I’m too tired of the hard effort at keeping me shut. They say God does 99% of the work; that sometimes all you need to give is just a little back. So little it’s ridiculous but in God’s eyes it’s more than enough. It’s going to take me some time. Good thing Dads love their daughters so much to hold all the drama and wait it out. They wait until you’re ready to face them and the world again. I am confident God will do the same.

There is a God, and I am a human girl, and who’s to say love cannot exist between the two because in the end there is a Dad and there is a daughter and because of this, everything is enough. Every thing is ultimately love.

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The Brightness of Possibility

I met a boy yesterday. He set my blood to breathe, produced a thousand fireflies aglow in my gut, a bright ray of light; a shimmer of promise of possibility. He was good, decent, and free. When he spoke it was of up-righteousness; the character of an unwavering gentleman spilling from his lips, kind eyes and that uplifted smile, interested ears and a soul wanting to uncover, to know more, little details of my life that were mostly unsignificant but to him remained interesting nonetheless. It doesn’t help that he’s from Southridge– a new breed of cavalier that stay true to their integrity (most of them anyway). It was an honest certainty that good boys still exist to this day; the kind I always imagined marrying; so decent and so right and so good for me and I to him. It is difficult to stay saintly in this world but it is saintly that I am after– the peace and security that brims fullness of life, of light, contentment and blessedness. I know because it’s what I used to have. In that state hatred couldn’t touch me, nor anger or jealousy, nor even pride. Just love and faith. A God. All one needs to get by.

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive. I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise. To fly.

That boy brought back hope. He is out there; the man who will be good to me. It might take him a few wrong turns, a number of dead-ends and infinite obstacles but one day all of these will lead to me and I to him. Because of the existence of the boy, I know that surely there must be more out there; enough for me to hold on to one. It’ll be beautiful if it’s the right person and I want nothing short of that. And so here I am, back to the beginning, trying one more time at loving myself and being good so I can be worth it for him too. So please, to anybody listening, be good to people. Give them kind words, caring smiles, gentle touches of concern and care. You could be the one to save them. You could turn their life around.

As a dad once told the whole world to his child, “Settling means giving up. Dont.” Don’t give up on yourself and don’t give up on people. Wouldn’t it be beautiful to have a man who can tell that to your kids; give advice and be the stronghold throughout their life, and of course yours? You are going to find love someday and it will be beautiful and worth the wait. Not yet though. Right now, the universe is pulling strings to make the both of you right for each other, placing struggles to make the two of you better, move with the beauty of growth, wisdom, and experience so when the two of you finally catch a spark that will turn into a fire one day, you will both be strong enough to handle the burns. Most of the time, love is really loving yourself first, patiently waiting and trusting that God won’t fall short of a good man for you. So be good to yourself and to others, and most of all: don’t lose hope. He will come. After all, throughout the history of time, God has never let anybody who believed in His promise down. Your time will come too.

I met a boy yesterday. It was only a short period of time but in that instant, I fell in love with the idea of him but in my man, with the bright future full of nothings but everythings at once and all the best that is yet to come; this time, for me too.

Trust in the process.

Beat the odds.

Three minutes until three in the morning and I have early class in a few hours but here I am, spending my time on what I do best: inspiration. I decided to shed a new light first and foremost in my external surroundings, aka my room since it’s where I am most and printed cut out inspirational block quotes and words. I need a change within me and plenty of people usually say that it begins inside but trust me, sometimes having an outside influence helps a ton.

Time for new changes, beginning with a no longer clean block of wall.

It looks a bit messy but it is art nonetheless. Every single day before I leave the door for daily life, I’ll be struck by the bright colorful cubes of remarks to remind me of the kind of person and the kind of life I can have. Like a friend said, “work on yourself; time will pass by that before you know it, you’re already there– the exact point you wanted to be months ago but never dreamed of reaching.” It begins with an act. And ultimately I realized that it has to begin with me.

Majority of the days I spend lying in bed, crying myself to sleep or fantasizing about better conditions; situations I actually want to find myself in. Little did I realize that I have an entire other life in my head and the actual one I am living is dissipating into concrete waste. Back when I was bright, I had a strong sense of control where I would stop myself from getting worse– the voice that screamed “don’t do that to yourself”; I guess I was my own guardian angel.

Now I’m my own little devil and I’m struggling back to grace, and then I realize that maybe grace has been reaching out for me all this time. Moments when I feel soft knocks in my soul, somebody asking to come in, to let Him take the wheel of what I’ve become and drive me to safety. I hope the knocker never tires for I’m about to budge soon. Do a full on U-Turn as long as I’m moving. I guess all this time, all I’ve really been doing is wait. But it’s time to move. I’ve been waiting for a push or pull somewhere but nothing has come and I’m exhausted on standing by, the dawn burning out. Where is the sense in waiting if I don’t know what I’m waiting on? Where is the sense in being if I can’t be me in my fullest most authentic potential? It’s time I got there.

You're mostly a pain but I love you.

Yesterday morning I wrote the words “Beat the odds” on the palm of my hands. Beat the odds. Three short, simple but powerful words that affects my core. When I feel like giving up and losing hope, when I want to lash out and scream at people I hate, people who have it better than me, people who are blessed to the point that I don’t feel blessed anymore. God, I used to feel like the most blessed person in the world. What happened to that? When I feel stupid and insecure because people put me down, stereotype me before getting to know me so I don’t even get a chance, no kind of love and I just want to crash and burn, crash and burn because they make me think I deserve it, I’ll say it out loud: Beat the odds. It is more than its self– it’s an entire battle cry. A chance, a shot that rises to the sky when you thought all hope was lost: Beat the odds. To be that one in a million; to stand upright even when all of me buckles under the load of resentment: Beat the odds. To do my best when I am certain the result won’t change: Beat the odds. To not give in to all the hatred that fills my brain, the evil eye that skims upon perfection, the irritation that bubbles up at all I lack: Beat the odds. 

Prepare your armor, keep your head sane and your heart closer–it is a fight for freedom already on the losing side but here we go again: You will beat the odds.

What activity are you still working up the courage to try?

This is one of the questions that WordPress freely gives to get your thoughts running and I’m giving it my first try by answering: I want to jump off a tall structure, take all my fear until the very edge, jump, scream, and let all of it go.

Fears only exist in the head and I’m still learning to box them all up and fill them with sticky duct tape in several layers. Fear is what holds back and makes you run and hide of things that haven’t even happened yet. They’re just thoughts and I want them gone.

Sometimes I think fear is an extension of being terrified of the monsters within you. Of being too afraid to dig deep only to discover that there’s something there that you don’t like about yourself and so you don’t even bother shoveling. It’s like when I tell myself I’m afraid of heights when it’s not true because I can’t be afraid of heights if I haven’t gone. The truth is I’m afraid of falling off. And when I tell everybody I’m afraid of the dark but I’m not; just a memory that convinces the mind to tell me I am afraid when there’s nothing to be afraid of in the first place. I think fears exist because they’re meant to be overcome, because when you face them you realize that if you survive, you realize that you were so foolish all along and you feel like you can do anything in the world because you made it. Fears are there to be brave. I don’t want to be fearless. I just want to be brave enough to not walk away; brave enough to try and overcome, and brave enough to start all over again when needed. To be brave in all that I do, even when I’m shaking, this indeed is the everyday activity I am working on. It’s not going to happen in one day, and and then for the rest of your life you’re instantly unafraid of anything. Fears are part of our lives. The struggle isn’t erasing them; it’s in overcoming them. It’s in knowing that they will arise any time and allowing myself to not take several steps backward and scurry like a mouse being chased.

I am trying to overcome the flurry of fear. To changing the game of fear being an inconvenience to using it as an opportunity for growth and an extension of myself. How about you? What are you too afraid to try?

 

Your adventure isn’t far

Image

I came across this picture on my tumblr dashboard today and the truth of the words smacked me so hard I actually felt a dent on my brain. When I sit here in my empty room thinking of what I’m doing with my life, staying in on warm days with the electric fan on high and falling asleep to the sound of the rain outside my window not once looking out, in my head I keep telling myself “life should be an adventure. What are you doing in bed?” I give myself reasons and excuses and go wishing I were somewhere else on vacation near the seas or in some other country enjoying nature, at a beach house in Kawayan Cove or simply a swing set rocking higher and higher until I fall and see stars– anywhere but here where I can truly live. My dad used to tell stories about his childhood; the freedom of walking on the sidewalks as kids with no care, running around with toy guns and actually shooting a snake in the head, hunting and playing out there in the wild. Their home was outside. The whole world was their playground. They had no limits or constraints and I wish I had that too. I once played under the rain when I was a kid and my mom got mad and I never did it again. Now I tell myself I love the rain but I open the umbrella when I’m out, I love the sun but I stay under the shade instead of bask in its warmth, I love the trees but I only watch from the distance not feeling its trunk. There is a motion in life I am in love with but it’s like loving from a distance; or a window pane clear enough to look through but solid enough to block. In one of my little misadventures and I use mis because they were feigned, I accidentally stumbled upon this little guy named Alex. He’s 16 which makes him four years younger than me but what struck me the most about him is the fact that this kid knows how to live.

He likes to stand on edge, scan the surface below him and jump with his eyes open wide. I once got the opportunity to talk to him and his advice: “Look, you’re 20. Go out and have fun. Just have a good time, it doesn’t matter how or when or where. Just loosen up, lighten up, and live a good life.” I vowed to myself I’d jump off some tall place after that. I’m still waiting for that chance.

But right now I became cognizant that indeed, it is not always the adventure that’s out side waiting for you. Most times, the adventure is within. I have been so caught up in believing that adventure meant doing some life-gripping thing that I’ve forgotten the kind of adventure that is just as real: the adventure of school, of making new friends and enemies, of falling in love and getting my heart broken, of crying to the point of healing, and most importantly, the adventure of recovery, redemption, and growth. There are some pretty neat adventures that occurs within that make my life and who I am today and if it were not for being bullied back in kindergarten, I would not have made my first boy best friend who protected me from that day on and the rest of the year, made my first best friends in grade school who each left one by one only so that I could find my real ones, had my first crush in grade five on the first guy I have ever known I wasn’t directly related to but only because my uncle told me he had a crush on me first, sharing weird secrets and stories and playing dodgeball before highschool, the horrors of soirees and proms along with the joys of having a barkada do I realize that I needn’t look far for adventure. It is already here.

There are different kinds of adventures in life and there are different kinds of people. There are people like Alex who go wild and crazy and passionate in what they do,

and then there are other people who prefer to have adventures in lighter degrees such as spending a friday night reading a book, or talking to a friend on the phone for hours until the break of light, or just cuddling with a fluffy dog as company. One can even choose to live that moment in the adventure of being a total camwhore.

And then there are the adventures shared with other people, in holding hands, in booming laughs, in gentle pats or simple smiles in the knowledge that sometimes, a presence is enough. I am still a firm advocate that life should be lived and I am still going to jump off a high location one day and scream my lungs out in terror and fright and excitement until I hit the bottom, but I am also content in the new-born recognition that I don’t need to wait for that opportunity to come. My opening for adventures has already arrived. The only thing that’s left for me to do is reply with a big resounding YES.

On being a major with a double minor

I want to talk to him but I can’t, so I’ll just write myself away. Distractions are good for this: moving on and knowing that you have to let go, for the good of both of you. It makes it easier when there’s something to keep you from losing control.

I am a bit wary and uncertain of my near future. I love the feeling that tomorrow will always be a mystery and good things can happen, but wow, I honestly do not know what I’m doing with my life, or what career path I am going to take in the future. Am I truly really going to be in the business world? Am I willing to get my hands dirty, harden my heart, and toughen myself up for the sake of profits and avoidance of loss? Am I really up for raising my voice, cracking the shell that binds me in comfort, and getting angry and being the boss of employers?

I have always found myself to be soft-spoken and a genuine follower. I know what to do but only when I am told; and if not, I do what I do but when I am alone. When I have nobody to shame for but myself so I can take the full blame and even then, nobody would have to know. Venturing into a business is real and it is worldwide– nationwide at least, and there will be real competition and real people trying to put you down and real hardships I will have to face, and wow, am I really getting into the business world I know doesn’t calculate to my own personality? Am I really going to change all that I am in order to be successful in something I may not even want or love to do? Ah I’m at such a loss. It’s quite funny because when I first ended up in Management, I was just following orders, taking the practical way up, going ‘oh I don’t know what I want, might as well choose something that’s helpful’ and four years later as a senior, I am still in the same rut. It’s kind of funny but somewhere along the way I felt like management was right for me, not in the kind where I like to manage people because I was never a good leader; I would kill myself if everybody depended me and I failed or didn’t do well enough, but I felt like doing the things we do in management is something fun, something I actually like to do. I know I am meant for more and management is my key to expansion and betterment. It gets me out and wrenches me up, extracting until all that is left is the resilient spirit knowledgable to handle anything. Through all of this I have realized that yes, I am actually going to have to change myself for a career, and not even just this but for any career I know I am going to end up advancing towards: companies or businesses that will consider me an asset, and to be an asset, I have to be louder, more efficient, productive, organized, and more open. Yes, more open– this is the keyword. Open to my self, and to people. I just have to OPEN UP because I’m shut too tight even I can’t breathe. The thing I figured out is, I like being in Management because I know it helps me become more but at the same time, I have decided that not only am I minoring in International Business but I am also taking creative writing. Every time I talk about minoring into something not related to business, I always hear frustration and confusion in people who proceed to say “Why? What good will that do for your future?” Let me tell you something: creative writing is not only about writing freely like most people think. It involves reading other people’s work, forming thoughts out of the box and serious critical thinking. This is what I’ve learned as a writer: you are always thinking. This is tantamount to being successful because you will need new thoughts, ideas, and solutions to problems. At the same time, your mind gets forced open by the shrillness of other worlds and words, to the minds and thoughts of people– their feelings, their emotions, their humanity. Plenty of people don’t want me to take a course not related to my career but guess what, I am HUMAN and my humanity matters. I am a being who feels and thinks and writes and sometimes I feel like this is all I am, all that connects me to myself– writing. I am a writer and I don’t want to be just an average writer. I want to be damn good at it. I want to develop myself– my hobbies, my strengths– I don’t want to settle to being only a business major because it’s practical. Being human is the most essential thing to me and management won’t get me there. Literature is the epitome of human nature– of all you, me, and everybody we’ve ever known will ever be. If that’s not practical, I don’t know what is.

I am tired of having to explain myself to people why I want to develop such ‘useless’ things. These things aren’t useless to me. Why? Because I believe in being the best version of myself. The Absolute Best. This means I won’t just be the Alex that is good enough and okay in some aspects of her life and awful in others. I don’t want to be told “oh it’s okay if you’re an awful singer, at least you have a nice voice when you talk!” I want to be GREAT in all the aspects I want to be great in. I want to be a great speaker. I want to be a great writer. I want to be a great leader, or even a follower. I want to be a great thinker to the point that I can think for myself and make decisions on my own– a great decider too. The best part is all of this is possible. Why must I only limit myself to one thing? I want to be a GREAT person and this means that I do not wish to settle for not expanding myself in even the ‘useless’ things that might not help me in the future. Who can honestly tell me that developing myself in other aspects will not help  me at all? Will it not make me more confident, more open, better and bigger as a whole person? Will it not cause me growth and expansion, not only in the aspects I choose to focus on but in every little piece of me– toned and refined to be the best version of myself. This best version of myself does not merely include my business managing career side, it includes every other part of me. I am a WHOLE person. Every part and aspect of me matters. I want to strengthen my strengths further, substantiate my weaknesses in all of me. Not just one part or two, but in most of the facets that I can. I am not for the detail, I focus on the entirety, the great potential that can be if cultivated. But the real issue is that I have to stop listening to people who say that what I do will be pointless and ineffectual. All the best people I know are writers. They are calm, collected, mature, and frackercakes, they have ideas that make you THINK, they are so open because they constantly keep their mind receptive because they are human in search for answers to lingering questions in the air. Writers have big minds and big hearts because they allow to feel, and they can be critical too, strongly opinionated and perceptive. None of the things anybody chooses to do is useless. Whether be an athlete swimmer, or a professional chess player (if there’s such thing), a philosopher or theologian, a painter, and yes, even writers. They are simply expanding their selves, and really, anybody and I do mean anybody can be bigger than life itself. A career doesn’t characterize that. I just wish people kept their eyes off me for a second and stopped questioning every questionable thing I choose to do.

Moreover, I wish I could stop caring so much about what people think. It is oft what holds me back and makes me question myself.