The Brightness of Possibility

I met a boy yesterday. He set my blood to breathe, produced a thousand fireflies aglow in my gut, a bright ray of light; a shimmer of promise of possibility. He was good, decent, and free. When he spoke it was of up-righteousness; the character of an unwavering gentleman spilling from his lips, kind eyes and that uplifted smile, interested ears and a soul wanting to uncover, to know more, little details of my life that were mostly unsignificant but to him remained interesting nonetheless. It doesn’t help that he’s from Southridge– a new breed of cavalier that stay true to their integrity (most of them anyway). It was an honest certainty that good boys still exist to this day; the kind I always imagined marrying; so decent and so right and so good for me and I to him. It is difficult to stay saintly in this world but it is saintly that I am after– the peace and security that brims fullness of life, of light, contentment and blessedness. I know because it’s what I used to have. In that state hatred couldn’t touch me, nor anger or jealousy, nor even pride. Just love and faith. A God. All one needs to get by.

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive. I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise. To fly.

That boy brought back hope. He is out there; the man who will be good to me. It might take him a few wrong turns, a number of dead-ends and infinite obstacles but one day all of these will lead to me and I to him. Because of the existence of the boy, I know that surely there must be more out there; enough for me to hold on to one. It’ll be beautiful if it’s the right person and I want nothing short of that. And so here I am, back to the beginning, trying one more time at loving myself and being good so I can be worth it for him too. So please, to anybody listening, be good to people. Give them kind words, caring smiles, gentle touches of concern and care. You could be the one to save them. You could turn their life around.

As a dad once told the whole world to his child, “Settling means giving up. Dont.” Don’t give up on yourself and don’t give up on people. Wouldn’t it be beautiful to have a man who can tell that to your kids; give advice and be the stronghold throughout their life, and of course yours? You are going to find love someday and it will be beautiful and worth the wait. Not yet though. Right now, the universe is pulling strings to make the both of you right for each other, placing struggles to make the two of you better, move with the beauty of growth, wisdom, and experience so when the two of you finally catch a spark that will turn into a fire one day, you will both be strong enough to handle the burns. Most of the time, love is really loving yourself first, patiently waiting and trusting that God won’t fall short of a good man for you. So be good to yourself and to others, and most of all: don’t lose hope. He will come. After all, throughout the history of time, God has never let anybody who believed in His promise down. Your time will come too.

I met a boy yesterday. It was only a short period of time but in that instant, I fell in love with the idea of him but in my man, with the bright future full of nothings but everythings at once and all the best that is yet to come; this time, for me too.

Trust in the process.

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You’re like a firecracker. You look plain on the outside, but your insides are ready to burst into flames, so much magic and wonder if only you’d ignite.

I think about falling in love. With a boy so beautiful and mysterious I’d get the shivers trying to uncover him, wondering him at nightfall unable to sleep, thinking about all that runs through his mind. I want to memorize his favorite song from his favorite band, know if he’s closer to his mother or his father, if he likes school or thinks it’s a complete waste of time, what he thinks of God and going to mass, if he’s the kind of guy who texts or calls, if he snores when he sleeps– all he is when he thinks nobody’s watching. I want to know his favorite game and soccer team (I will deny he’s a basketball lover), his dream car and the kind of girl he always imagined being with, his dreams for this life and others.

I wonder about the boy I’m going to end up falling in love with. If he wonders how I look, the treasures hidden deep behind my protective soul, the prayers I sometimes forget to whisper before I go to bed, my first thoughts in the morning when my eyes awake from slumber, the books I enjoy reading and the movies I enjoy crying to just because it makes me feel human. I wonder if he thinks about me, about all I am and all I could be in the future; about all the kind of love we are going to make, and if he knows that we’re going to create a love unlike a time bomb but everlasting, so beautiful and sweet and deep it’ll move with you forever.

I wonder about love between a beautiful boy and a hidden girl, whether it’ll come true and last long enough for an entire novel to be written, strong enough for songs to be sung and music to be played, and fought enough so it’ll last till death does them part. I wonder about the kind of love that springs so powerful, the words meant of a single promise, a single vow with the winds and the Heavens as witness, the birds and the leaves singing in chorus: “No matter what happens, I will take care of you. No matter what happens, I will be here for you. No matter what you do, I’m not leaving. Even if you grow fat and unbearable to look at, I will stay. Grow white hairs and huge pimples and become the ugliest girl in the world, I will hold your hand for the whole world to see that you are mine. Be a pain in the ass most times and thrash out on me during your monthly hormonal days, I will hang on tight until the morning. I love you in spite of the things you do and not because for our love is inconsequential. Our love is real.” I hope to make myself worth it for this boy and this kind of love. Please come, please come. 

Sex is not equal to love

I made sure I left the house early today so I wouldn’t be late in Theology class anymore. It’s honestly starting to get really embarrassing as I feel ashamed that I am always the girl who comes in late. There’s a kind of calmness when you’re early– like there is no rush in anything you do and you can focus more on going with the flow instead of having your insides churn at each second that ticks by. I was listening to the gripping tunes of Coldplay on the way, so emotional and moving that I felt so alive and worthy, so beautiful a daughter of God. For Theology, the group reporting spoke of the issues on premarital sex and I came across a guy saying this: “if I put out now, then what else can I give specifically for my wife?” Every time we talk about sexuality in class, it’s clear that the guy engages in sex more for pleasure while for the woman she focuses more on emotions, attachment, and love. And there’s always the argument that “sure, I will have sex with a person, but only if I really love her.” But really, what is genuine love? I believe marriage is a proof of real love because you are bound to each other for life. There’s no backing out. Just the promise that I will always be here for you, no matter what. People say that sex is part of being human and this is true, but I do believe you can live without it, at least before marriage. I mean, look at me? Which is why I think it’s really strange when people argue about sex as a necessity in relationships. Sex is mostly physical. There are other intimacies to be explored within a human person, deeper than just the body. At the same time on the issue of love, if a guy has sex with you I honestly don’t believe he really loves you. Why? Because sex bears risk for the woman! In other words, there is the actual possibility of creating a new life, and other psychological and emotional aspects that arise on the way. If he really cared about you he wouldn’t want to put you on the risk of ‘ruining’ you. He would save you for when it’s real.

So now I am thinking of my cousin and his girl friend and their baby boy; how he and her aren’t even  on speaking terms and haven’t seen each other for months now, and feeling glad that I am still intact. I want a guy who deserves me as much as I deserve him. Who values my worth and saves me knowing that I am worth the wait. I want a boy who focuses on uncovering my soul first before my body. Because when it’s love, it’s pure. If he chooses to love, he’d wait. Even in waver, he holds on. To be wanted even in my imperfections. Because love involves time and investment and a long process of getting to know each other, forgiving each other and finally accepting, there is no hurry. Like my former friend used to say, “Kick it down a notch a little. There’s no need to worry or rush. We can take our time. Our love is here to stay.”

You couldn’t be something that hundreds of others are.

“‘Do you think I’m wonderful?’ she asked him one day as they leaned against the trunk of a petrified maple. ‘No’, he said. ‘Why?’ ‘Because so many girls are wonderful. I imagine hundreds of men have called their loves wonderful today, and it’s only noon. You couldn’t be something that hundreds of others are.’”

– Jonathan Safran Foer

I hope to find that boy who knows what he has when he has me. But first and foremost, I have to know it too

One last post before the day ends.

I have forgotten how therapeutic writing could be. It’s become an addiction– only this time, it is good.

My Theology teacher asked us to make a reflection paper on a love story that is untold and me being me, because I’ve never truly had a romance brimming, or a kind of love they write stories about, I wrote about the only lover I know: God. I believe He fit the picture too because love requires staying strong and  being patient with that person and accepting all of the flaws that come with her, a choice and an effort that doesn’t come easy like most lovers think. Love is what settles when the unlovable sets in– when you begin to see imperfections and habits that annoy you out of your mind and make you want to bang your head into the wall, yet you stay anyway because she is the one person you know you can love all your life. Love is forgiving and who is a better forgiver than God? The best kind of love forgives because it knows she cannot be perfect, it allows the freedom to make mistakes and choices that allow her to grow up because your lover will always want what is best for you– not for him. Because of Sir Rochester, I have come to realize that love isn’t that fairytale I have always believed in as little girl where my Prince Charming comes all decent and good and sweeps me off my feet. All my life I was told, “wait for that boy that is meant for you. Do not settle. Allow God to write your love story.” Funny thing is, I think God is writing my love story already, even without the romance. His unfailing love for me and my unstable love for Him is a love story in itself. He really is the perfect lover. So I wrote about God and it was ten pages long. See, when I do something, I do it well and this one was no exception. I wrote the longest reflection paper among everybody else and I felt ashamed. (I often feel ashamed though so it’s okay). But the thing I realized is, every time I write about something completely honest and send it in to a teacher, teachers often write soulful comments on it, really soak what I write in and give high grades. But it’s not the grade I am after. I guess after all this time, when I write something to be read, I’m really letting somebody look into me and see a part of me they cannot see anywhere else. I am a beautiful person with beautiful thoughts and all of this can only be revealed by my writing. So I wrote. And this is what my Theology teacher replied:

I don’t want to add anything more to this beautiful, so beautiful reflection. I am deeply moved, deeply touched by God because of these wonderful thoughts. It’s a spiritual masterpiece. Someday these letters will mean so much to a Church in need of beautiful witnesses. Thanks so much for flaming a blessing in my life. This reflection is so long, at first I thought I might get tired reading it somewhere along the way. But I was mistaken, I was truly blessed, inspired.

– Roch

Every time I write, my teachers react. And I don’t mean this in a sense of power but I realized that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life: inspire people through my writing. When I write, I make sense of my experiences and it helps enlighten me. But today I realized that what I discover could enlighten other people as well. I want to do this; I want to blow people away. I am a timorous girl when I speak and act but when I write, I want to be a whirlwind. In fact, not only when I write but everywhere else. I want to be the best me I can be. I want to speak well. Study well. Think well. Act well. I want to surprise everybody. I want to be a storm. I’m going to break through. Get ready.