I want to talk to him but I can’t, so I’ll just write myself away. Distractions are good for this: moving on and knowing that you have to let go, for the good of both of you. It makes it easier when there’s something to keep you from losing control.
I am a bit wary and uncertain of my near future. I love the feeling that tomorrow will always be a mystery and good things can happen, but wow, I honestly do not know what I’m doing with my life, or what career path I am going to take in the future. Am I truly really going to be in the business world? Am I willing to get my hands dirty, harden my heart, and toughen myself up for the sake of profits and avoidance of loss? Am I really up for raising my voice, cracking the shell that binds me in comfort, and getting angry and being the boss of employers?
I have always found myself to be soft-spoken and a genuine follower. I know what to do but only when I am told; and if not, I do what I do but when I am alone. When I have nobody to shame for but myself so I can take the full blame and even then, nobody would have to know. Venturing into a business is real and it is worldwide– nationwide at least, and there will be real competition and real people trying to put you down and real hardships I will have to face, and wow, am I really getting into the business world I know doesn’t calculate to my own personality? Am I really going to change all that I am in order to be successful in something I may not even want or love to do? Ah I’m at such a loss. It’s quite funny because when I first ended up in Management, I was just following orders, taking the practical way up, going ‘oh I don’t know what I want, might as well choose something that’s helpful’ and four years later as a senior, I am still in the same rut. It’s kind of funny but somewhere along the way I felt like management was right for me, not in the kind where I like to manage people because I was never a good leader; I would kill myself if everybody depended me and I failed or didn’t do well enough, but I felt like doing the things we do in management is something fun, something I actually like to do. I know I am meant for more and management is my key to expansion and betterment. It gets me out and wrenches me up, extracting until all that is left is the resilient spirit knowledgable to handle anything. Through all of this I have realized that yes, I am actually going to have to change myself for a career, and not even just this but for any career I know I am going to end up advancing towards: companies or businesses that will consider me an asset, and to be an asset, I have to be louder, more efficient, productive, organized, and more open. Yes, more open– this is the keyword. Open to my self, and to people. I just have to OPEN UP because I’m shut too tight even I can’t breathe. The thing I figured out is, I like being in Management because I know it helps me become more but at the same time, I have decided that not only am I minoring in International Business but I am also taking creative writing. Every time I talk about minoring into something not related to business, I always hear frustration and confusion in people who proceed to say “Why? What good will that do for your future?” Let me tell you something: creative writing is not only about writing freely like most people think. It involves reading other people’s work, forming thoughts out of the box and serious critical thinking. This is what I’ve learned as a writer: you are always thinking. This is tantamount to being successful because you will need new thoughts, ideas, and solutions to problems. At the same time, your mind gets forced open by the shrillness of other worlds and words, to the minds and thoughts of people– their feelings, their emotions, their humanity. Plenty of people don’t want me to take a course not related to my career but guess what, I am HUMAN and my humanity matters. I am a being who feels and thinks and writes and sometimes I feel like this is all I am, all that connects me to myself– writing. I am a writer and I don’t want to be just an average writer. I want to be damn good at it. I want to develop myself– my hobbies, my strengths– I don’t want to settle to being only a business major because it’s practical. Being human is the most essential thing to me and management won’t get me there. Literature is the epitome of human nature– of all you, me, and everybody we’ve ever known will ever be. If that’s not practical, I don’t know what is.
I am tired of having to explain myself to people why I want to develop such ‘useless’ things. These things aren’t useless to me. Why? Because I believe in being the best version of myself. The Absolute Best. This means I won’t just be the Alex that is good enough and okay in some aspects of her life and awful in others. I don’t want to be told “oh it’s okay if you’re an awful singer, at least you have a nice voice when you talk!” I want to be GREAT in all the aspects I want to be great in. I want to be a great speaker. I want to be a great writer. I want to be a great leader, or even a follower. I want to be a great thinker to the point that I can think for myself and make decisions on my own– a great decider too. The best part is all of this is possible. Why must I only limit myself to one thing? I want to be a GREAT person and this means that I do not wish to settle for not expanding myself in even the ‘useless’ things that might not help me in the future. Who can honestly tell me that developing myself in other aspects will not help me at all? Will it not make me more confident, more open, better and bigger as a whole person? Will it not cause me growth and expansion, not only in the aspects I choose to focus on but in every little piece of me– toned and refined to be the best version of myself. This best version of myself does not merely include my business managing career side, it includes every other part of me. I am a WHOLE person. Every part and aspect of me matters. I want to strengthen my strengths further, substantiate my weaknesses in all of me. Not just one part or two, but in most of the facets that I can. I am not for the detail, I focus on the entirety, the great potential that can be if cultivated. But the real issue is that I have to stop listening to people who say that what I do will be pointless and ineffectual. All the best people I know are writers. They are calm, collected, mature, and frackercakes, they have ideas that make you THINK, they are so open because they constantly keep their mind receptive because they are human in search for answers to lingering questions in the air. Writers have big minds and big hearts because they allow to feel, and they can be critical too, strongly opinionated and perceptive. None of the things anybody chooses to do is useless. Whether be an athlete swimmer, or a professional chess player (if there’s such thing), a philosopher or theologian, a painter, and yes, even writers. They are simply expanding their selves, and really, anybody and I do mean anybody can be bigger than life itself. A career doesn’t characterize that. I just wish people kept their eyes off me for a second and stopped questioning every questionable thing I choose to do.
Moreover, I wish I could stop caring so much about what people think. It is oft what holds me back and makes me question myself.