The Skyway Lights
I swam today like I said I would. In that pool, nothing could reach me. All that was on my mind was swim or die, swim or die, because when you’re under, all you’ve got is to fight for your life. Otherwise you drown. And there was light at the end, a square that marked it, and all I had to tell myself was “just reach for that little dark square. come on, you see it. you’re almost there. resist yourself and reach.” I realized life contains a lot of self-resistance and self-restrictions. If you want to get somewhere, you can’t give in to yourself all the time because your natural instinct is to satisfy what you think you need. You have to learn how to say no to your own self if you want to transcend.
I can’t stop listening to Fix You by Coldplay. It’s such a beautiful and heartbreaking song; the lyrics and the music at the bridge so wrenching I need to hear it over and over again. It makes me feel human, so graceful, so weightless I could spread my arms out wide like a ballerina and fly off the ground.
That’s all I want to be: weightless. I don’t want to tread heavily anymore. I want to press lightly, like I barely leave a mark. As light as a spirit. As free as a bird. This body cannot hold me down.
Despite being a senior in the Ateneo, I actually have plenty of free time on my hands. Most time I would have my two youngest siblings come barging in through the door asking to do this and that and I oblige, just because I believe that at their age they should develop their creative minds. When they’re old enough, I don’t want them to look back through their childhood with boredom. I want them to remember that they were able to do plenty of things, even if it isn’t outside in the backyard having adventures, at least they are able to have a little excitement at home. Most times we do artsy stuff. This was a few days ago when we discovered the boxes of unused clay in the attic and decided to make our own stories on paper. A couple days ago we also made a paper machete and painted it red. Up till now it’s unfinished.
As a child I don’t have a lot of memories that particularly stand out and I used to think it was sad. I wish I could relive my childhood and do more things. And then I realized that I could actually pick some memories out if I tried hard enough and focused on them; like they’re just stored somewhere deep inside my brain but they’re there.
Childhood is precious. I don’t want my siblings to throw it away by not having enough fun. And I certainly don’t want them stopping themselves from doing things just because their big sister has grown up.
This is one of the questions that WordPress freely gives to get your thoughts running and I’m giving it my first try by answering: I want to jump off a tall structure, take all my fear until the very edge, jump, scream, and let all of it go.
Fears only exist in the head and I’m still learning to box them all up and fill them with sticky duct tape in several layers. Fear is what holds back and makes you run and hide of things that haven’t even happened yet. They’re just thoughts and I want them gone.
Sometimes I think fear is an extension of being terrified of the monsters within you. Of being too afraid to dig deep only to discover that there’s something there that you don’t like about yourself and so you don’t even bother shoveling. It’s like when I tell myself I’m afraid of heights when it’s not true because I can’t be afraid of heights if I haven’t gone. The truth is I’m afraid of falling off. And when I tell everybody I’m afraid of the dark but I’m not; just a memory that convinces the mind to tell me I am afraid when there’s nothing to be afraid of in the first place. I think fears exist because they’re meant to be overcome, because when you face them you realize that if you survive, you realize that you were so foolish all along and you feel like you can do anything in the world because you made it. Fears are there to be brave. I don’t want to be fearless. I just want to be brave enough to not walk away; brave enough to try and overcome, and brave enough to start all over again when needed. To be brave in all that I do, even when I’m shaking, this indeed is the everyday activity I am working on. It’s not going to happen in one day, and and then for the rest of your life you’re instantly unafraid of anything. Fears are part of our lives. The struggle isn’t erasing them; it’s in overcoming them. It’s in knowing that they will arise any time and allowing myself to not take several steps backward and scurry like a mouse being chased.
I am trying to overcome the flurry of fear. To changing the game of fear being an inconvenience to using it as an opportunity for growth and an extension of myself. How about you? What are you too afraid to try?
I dreamt of him today. I don’t think this was the first time either. He was choosing between me and a pretty but whiny girl and he chose me. Me.
There was danger, a fire, and he was saving me, as if I meant the world to him. He was going to save me and leave the other girl behind. He said he wanted me. Me.
I don’t even know his name.
This is bullshit. I’ll forget him tomorrow. I have a life to move on to and I don’t know his name. Or anything at all.
Except for his looks which fits the classic tall, dark, & handsome. My type exactly. Crap! It might take me a little longer to forget after all.
I wonder if he dreamt about me too. This is stupid.