What activity are you still working up the courage to try?

This is one of the questions that WordPress freely gives to get your thoughts running and I’m giving it my first try by answering: I want to jump off a tall structure, take all my fear until the very edge, jump, scream, and let all of it go.

Fears only exist in the head and I’m still learning to box them all up and fill them with sticky duct tape in several layers. Fear is what holds back and makes you run and hide of things that haven’t even happened yet. They’re just thoughts and I want them gone.

Sometimes I think fear is an extension of being terrified of the monsters within you. Of being too afraid to dig deep only to discover that there’s something there that you don’t like about yourself and so you don’t even bother shoveling. It’s like when I tell myself I’m afraid of heights when it’s not true because I can’t be afraid of heights if I haven’t gone. The truth is I’m afraid of falling off. And when I tell everybody I’m afraid of the dark but I’m not; just a memory that convinces the mind to tell me I am afraid when there’s nothing to be afraid of in the first place. I think fears exist because they’re meant to be overcome, because when you face them you realize that if you survive, you realize that you were so foolish all along and you feel like you can do anything in the world because you made it. Fears are there to be brave. I don’t want to be fearless. I just want to be brave enough to not walk away; brave enough to try and overcome, and brave enough to start all over again when needed. To be brave in all that I do, even when I’m shaking, this indeed is the everyday activity I am working on. It’s not going to happen in one day, and and then for the rest of your life you’re instantly unafraid of anything. Fears are part of our lives. The struggle isn’t erasing them; it’s in overcoming them. It’s in knowing that they will arise any time and allowing myself to not take several steps backward and scurry like a mouse being chased.

I am trying to overcome the flurry of fear. To changing the game of fear being an inconvenience to using it as an opportunity for growth and an extension of myself. How about you? What are you too afraid to try?

 

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On Losing a Guinea Pig

I came across this symbolic list for weight loss today:

Your weight loss =

1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = an automobile tire
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephants heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephants penis
66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the Worlds Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and shes 5’11”)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and shes 5’4½”)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony

It’s strange but it can actually be a motivating force for future announcements such as “Guess what? I’ve lost weight equivalent to a sperm whale’s brain!”. That’s actually my goal right now, to lose a pound a week by decreasing what I eat and doing a little exercise here and there, mostly swimming and jogging around the village when I have the time and company. It’s actually strange but I have recently just realized how unhealthy I am right now and it’s so appalling how I was just fine more than a year ago. A lot can really happen in a year and I vow that by the time I am twenty-one, I will be living a totally healthier lifestyle. I can’t promise that I’ll look good but I can promise that my diet and exercise will be on a regular basis and I will take care of myself to the point of control and love.You know those frustrating moments when you see a delicious pastry in front of your eyes and you tell yourself, DON’T LOOK AT IT but you can’t resist anyway and in the end, you gulp the whole thing in one bite savoring its deliciousness and then you begin feeling sorry for yourself afterwards at the heaviness you know you’ve gained from overeating? That can’t happen anymore. No more slip ups (although exceptions may be allowed SOMETIMES– not often!). I have to be good to myself. No more pity parties after indulging. If I overeat, I exercise. If I know I won’t exercise for that day, I won’t overeat. Let’s stick to the basics first.

According to the calorie calculator, I burn about 1,690 calories each day, even without exercise. (Gosh I hope that’s right because I REALLY do no exercise at all… well let’s say 1,500 then to be safe). In order to lose a pound each week, I have to cut back at least 500 calories of that. To lose a rack of baby back ribs, I have to cut back 1000. Of course I’m going to stay safe and not starve myself to death here; it’ll only slow down my metabolism and hold on to my fat which I am desperately trying to rid therefore cutting back my take in and definite swimming thrice a week should do. I have exactly eight weeks before the second semester begins; a week each to lose a guinea pig, and by the end I should’ve lost an entire human head! It is a start.

A year ago, I actually tried to lose weight by going to the gym and ‘kind of’ eating less but nothing worked for me. I stayed the same throughout. This pissed me off which may be why I am usually so hopeless when it comes to weightloss but this time I am excited because now I can force my body to stop being sedentary! Surely I will see results soon.

Here’s to losing a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts by next weekend!

I really outdid myself this time.

It is not the end. It matters how you finish. Are you going to finish strong?“- Nick Vujicic, with no arms or legs

Throughout my life, I have always had this strong sense of conscience– my inner locus of control aware and telling if I ever lost my way. Every time I was thinking of doing things I wasn’t suppose to do like for instance, watching TV instead of studying for the next day, the inner voice would soon appear and fling guilt across my face, saying “Don’t do that, Lex. You have to be good to yourself.” I am struggling to get that back.

I just emailed the dean of my school about my intent of retaking a financial test because guess what, I flipping failed. I had too much fun, neglected my studies and travelled across Europe that I ignored that one subject whose teacher unfortunately really fails students. The bright side is, I’m not the only one who failed. Almost half the class did and they went to that class more than I. It doesn’t make it any better, though. It shouldn’t. And the JTA rule that stands is this: fail one, credit none. In other words, if I don’t get the second chance, none of my subjects abroad will push through and it’ll be like starting over again. Like, all that I’ve put in during that semester abroad was washed away, leaving a blank sheet ready for new hardships, marks, learnings, and failings. Add to that the fact that I am not graduating this year along with my fellow batchmates, having to stay behind another entire year for two subjects I did not anticipate. And then there’s the fact that I am totally failing economics now to the point where there is no hope and I have stopped going to class, and even though the teacher fails two-thirds of his class, I feel so bad because I am not usually part of that. I should be part of that one-third who passes. I should be above average.

God, I am so unsettled. I am just standing here, telling myself okay, this time I’m really going to study now. I’m going to do it. And then I find other things to do, matters that delay, and I end up sulking during nightfall when I realize that I failed myself again, yet another day I have wasted doing nothing good for myself. I have to stop this and I am, and there is sense in all of this. I know all these only means I have more opportunities to grow and expand myself and become– more chances for doing the things in college I was truly meant to do; be more open, find more meaning, and be good, so good. I never pictured myself graduating with honors but now that is the vision I hold, the vision I owe to at least myself and my parents who are doing a good deal investing in me, and because of all these failures, of being held back, of all the things I let slip by because of my own stubbornness, stupidity, and laziness, I am going to make sure I end well. I am going to finish strong and proud with my head held high, and I am going to get up that stage and receive honors that will make everybody proud and shock them out of their asses. I am going to turn things around and go for all that is good; reach higher and higher every day and keep trying.

There is that saying: once you’ve hit bottom, you can only go up.

Here’s to outdoing myself once more.

Let me tell you something.

Image

Life is supposed to be an adventure.

It’s moments of beautiful releases of refusing to hold back,


or hide out of fear, worry, or even loss.

It’s about taking adventures surrounded by nature, a tourist among all others

 

knowing that it’s not the destination that matters but the journey you make of it along the way.

It is fact that you may get trampled on, bashed on, held down by those who don’t want to see you succeed

but pay them no heed and laugh it off, get up, and start all over again. It annoys them more to see you smile.

So look yourself into the mirror and love that beautiful being staring back at you,

jump for joy every moment for happiness is a choice and you deserve to have your head held high

Even if you can’t jump high enough, JUMP ANYWAY.

Get wild, crazy, walk the path that nobody every daredBe YOU & don’t be afraid of it.

Don’t be afraid to STAND OUT.

Always stand on the edge. Always find new things to do, try out things you’ve never done, do things for the first time!

One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it is worth watching.

You only regret the things you didn’t do & the chances you were too afraid to take.

Be FEARLESS & IN CONTROL.

Everyday, Choose LIFE.