Sex is not equal to love

I made sure I left the house early today so I wouldn’t be late in Theology class anymore. It’s honestly starting to get really embarrassing as I feel ashamed that I am always the girl who comes in late. There’s a kind of calmness when you’re early– like there is no rush in anything you do and you can focus more on going with the flow instead of having your insides churn at each second that ticks by. I was listening to the gripping tunes of Coldplay on the way, so emotional and moving that I felt so alive and worthy, so beautiful a daughter of God. For Theology, the group reporting spoke of the issues on premarital sex and I came across a guy saying this: “if I put out now, then what else can I give specifically for my wife?” Every time we talk about sexuality in class, it’s clear that the guy engages in sex more for pleasure while for the woman she focuses more on emotions, attachment, and love. And there’s always the argument that “sure, I will have sex with a person, but only if I really love her.” But really, what is genuine love? I believe marriage is a proof of real love because you are bound to each other for life. There’s no backing out. Just the promise that I will always be here for you, no matter what. People say that sex is part of being human and this is true, but I do believe you can live without it, at least before marriage. I mean, look at me? Which is why I think it’s really strange when people argue about sex as a necessity in relationships. Sex is mostly physical. There are other intimacies to be explored within a human person, deeper than just the body. At the same time on the issue of love, if a guy has sex with you I honestly don’t believe he really loves you. Why? Because sex bears risk for the woman! In other words, there is the actual possibility of creating a new life, and other psychological and emotional aspects that arise on the way. If he really cared about you he wouldn’t want to put you on the risk of ‘ruining’ you. He would save you for when it’s real.

So now I am thinking of my cousin and his girl friend and their baby boy; how he and her aren’t even  on speaking terms and haven’t seen each other for months now, and feeling glad that I am still intact. I want a guy who deserves me as much as I deserve him. Who values my worth and saves me knowing that I am worth the wait. I want a boy who focuses on uncovering my soul first before my body. Because when it’s love, it’s pure. If he chooses to love, he’d wait. Even in waver, he holds on. To be wanted even in my imperfections. Because love involves time and investment and a long process of getting to know each other, forgiving each other and finally accepting, there is no hurry. Like my former friend used to say, “Kick it down a notch a little. There’s no need to worry or rush. We can take our time. Our love is here to stay.”

Nothing Dreams

I dreamt of him today. I don’t think this was the first time either. He was choosing between me and a pretty but whiny girl and he chose me. Me.

There was danger, a fire, and he was saving me, as if I meant the world to him. He was going to save me and leave the other girl behind. He said he wanted me. Me.

I don’t even know his name.

This is bullshit. I’ll forget him tomorrow. I have a life to move on to and I don’t know his name. Or anything at all.

Except for his looks which fits the classic tall, dark, & handsome. My type exactly. Crap! It might take me a little longer to forget after all.

I wonder if he dreamt about me too. This is stupid.