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Lean and I left home at six in the morning today. It’s his ACET at 7:30 and I have class at 9 and dad didn’t see any reason why we shouldn’t go together and wanted me to wait three flipping … Continue reading
This is one of the questions that WordPress freely gives to get your thoughts running and I’m giving it my first try by answering: I want to jump off a tall structure, take all my fear until the very edge, jump, scream, and let all of it go.
Fears only exist in the head and I’m still learning to box them all up and fill them with sticky duct tape in several layers. Fear is what holds back and makes you run and hide of things that haven’t even happened yet. They’re just thoughts and I want them gone.
Sometimes I think fear is an extension of being terrified of the monsters within you. Of being too afraid to dig deep only to discover that there’s something there that you don’t like about yourself and so you don’t even bother shoveling. It’s like when I tell myself I’m afraid of heights when it’s not true because I can’t be afraid of heights if I haven’t gone. The truth is I’m afraid of falling off. And when I tell everybody I’m afraid of the dark but I’m not; just a memory that convinces the mind to tell me I am afraid when there’s nothing to be afraid of in the first place. I think fears exist because they’re meant to be overcome, because when you face them you realize that if you survive, you realize that you were so foolish all along and you feel like you can do anything in the world because you made it. Fears are there to be brave. I don’t want to be fearless. I just want to be brave enough to not walk away; brave enough to try and overcome, and brave enough to start all over again when needed. To be brave in all that I do, even when I’m shaking, this indeed is the everyday activity I am working on. It’s not going to happen in one day, and and then for the rest of your life you’re instantly unafraid of anything. Fears are part of our lives. The struggle isn’t erasing them; it’s in overcoming them. It’s in knowing that they will arise any time and allowing myself to not take several steps backward and scurry like a mouse being chased.
I am trying to overcome the flurry of fear. To changing the game of fear being an inconvenience to using it as an opportunity for growth and an extension of myself. How about you? What are you too afraid to try?
I came across this picture on my tumblr dashboard today and the truth of the words smacked me so hard I actually felt a dent on my brain. When I sit here in my empty room thinking of what I’m doing with my life, staying in on warm days with the electric fan on high and falling asleep to the sound of the rain outside my window not once looking out, in my head I keep telling myself “life should be an adventure. What are you doing in bed?” I give myself reasons and excuses and go wishing I were somewhere else on vacation near the seas or in some other country enjoying nature, at a beach house in Kawayan Cove or simply a swing set rocking higher and higher until I fall and see stars– anywhere but here where I can truly live. My dad used to tell stories about his childhood; the freedom of walking on the sidewalks as kids with no care, running around with toy guns and actually shooting a snake in the head, hunting and playing out there in the wild. Their home was outside. The whole world was their playground. They had no limits or constraints and I wish I had that too. I once played under the rain when I was a kid and my mom got mad and I never did it again. Now I tell myself I love the rain but I open the umbrella when I’m out, I love the sun but I stay under the shade instead of bask in its warmth, I love the trees but I only watch from the distance not feeling its trunk. There is a motion in life I am in love with but it’s like loving from a distance; or a window pane clear enough to look through but solid enough to block. In one of my little misadventures and I use mis because they were feigned, I accidentally stumbled upon this little guy named Alex. He’s 16 which makes him four years younger than me but what struck me the most about him is the fact that this kid knows how to live.
He likes to stand on edge, scan the surface below him and jump with his eyes open wide. I once got the opportunity to talk to him and his advice: “Look, you’re 20. Go out and have fun. Just have a good time, it doesn’t matter how or when or where. Just loosen up, lighten up, and live a good life.” I vowed to myself I’d jump off some tall place after that. I’m still waiting for that chance.
But right now I became cognizant that indeed, it is not always the adventure that’s out side waiting for you. Most times, the adventure is within. I have been so caught up in believing that adventure meant doing some life-gripping thing that I’ve forgotten the kind of adventure that is just as real: the adventure of school, of making new friends and enemies, of falling in love and getting my heart broken, of crying to the point of healing, and most importantly, the adventure of recovery, redemption, and growth. There are some pretty neat adventures that occurs within that make my life and who I am today and if it were not for being bullied back in kindergarten, I would not have made my first boy best friend who protected me from that day on and the rest of the year, made my first best friends in grade school who each left one by one only so that I could find my real ones, had my first crush in grade five on the first guy I have ever known I wasn’t directly related to but only because my uncle told me he had a crush on me first, sharing weird secrets and stories and playing dodgeball before highschool, the horrors of soirees and proms along with the joys of having a barkada do I realize that I needn’t look far for adventure. It is already here.
There are different kinds of adventures in life and there are different kinds of people. There are people like Alex who go wild and crazy and passionate in what they do,
and then there are other people who prefer to have adventures in lighter degrees such as spending a friday night reading a book, or talking to a friend on the phone for hours until the break of light, or just cuddling with a fluffy dog as company. One can even choose to live that moment in the adventure of being a total camwhore.
And then there are the adventures shared with other people, in holding hands, in booming laughs, in gentle pats or simple smiles in the knowledge that sometimes, a presence is enough. I am still a firm advocate that life should be lived and I am still going to jump off a high location one day and scream my lungs out in terror and fright and excitement until I hit the bottom, but I am also content in the new-born recognition that I don’t need to wait for that opportunity to come. My opening for adventures has already arrived. The only thing that’s left for me to do is reply with a big resounding YES.
Life is supposed to be an adventure.
It’s moments of beautiful releases of refusing to hold back,
or hide out of fear, worry, or even loss.
It’s about taking adventures surrounded by nature, a tourist among all others
knowing that it’s not the destination that matters but the journey you make of it along the way.
It is fact that you may get trampled on, bashed on, held down by those who don’t want to see you succeed
but pay them no heed and laugh it off, get up, and start all over again. It annoys them more to see you smile.
So look yourself into the mirror and love that beautiful being staring back at you,
jump for joy every moment for happiness is a choice and you deserve to have your head held high
Don’t be afraid to STAND OUT.
Always stand on the edge. Always find new things to do, try out things you’ve never done, do things for the first time!
One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it is worth watching.
You only regret the things you didn’t do & the chances you were too afraid to take.
Be FEARLESS & IN CONTROL.
Everyday, Choose LIFE.