Initiative.

Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters. – John Greene

I am writing again about the life I wish I already started living. Sometimes I think life is wasted on me. When my head’s not in the game, and I’m an idiot for doing what I do. There is no shame in wishing but it is tragic living separate lives forgetting which is real and living in the fiction. I want to be somebody; this person in my head that matters and is worth it and is needed and can make something of herself. But it’s difficult coming to terms with who I’ve become, what I’ve let get so far and I am afraid. I am afraid terrified of failing. Of not being good enough. Of trying and it not mattering. But there is a tiny part of me that’s telling me that the pain of sitting here, waiting around and doing nothing is worse.

It hurts because it matters. Please, Lex, don’t do this to yourself anymore. WAKE THE FUCK UP

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3 thoughts on “Initiative.

  1. It seems like you are pretty awake to me; if anything you are daydreaming. Daydreaming isn’t wasted time. Daydreams inspire us; help us to ponder the possibilities;to plan, and to eventually act. Daydreams are the refueling station for the spirit. Yesterday, a friend posted on her Facebook status – I’m standing still now; so that I can move later. I “liked” that and I like it.

    • Hey 🙂 Daydreaming isn’t wasted time if you actually decide to snap out of it and get on towards the acting part, you know? But I’ve been sitting in this daydream for over six months now, so much that my life’s been surreal, like I can’t even tell what’s real anymore. Daydreams could be fuel but nothing’s ever going to happen if you just stand still, you know what I mean? You have to know when to tell yourself to get going. That’s what I lacked. But it’s changing right now. I’M changing right now. It’s really a matter of willpower which I have lacked for such a long time. I’m usually not like this; I like being active. Which is probably why I keep beating myself up about this. It’s like I’m lazy but I don’t want to be, but at the same time I can’t not be lazy. Hahaha. My will used to be so strong, I’m just frustrated it no longer is. Thanks though 🙂

  2. “i am terrified of failing”…… i know exactly what you mean. the fear is so crippling that you are left there stuck, unable to move…to take action. you need to wake up and so do i. thank you, this post helped me to snap out of this funk im in. i am waking up, i am moving forward because of you. SNAP OUT OF IT DUDE!!!! 🙂

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