God lives.

I wish I believed in coincidences but I don’t. Random things just don’t happen for no reason, and neither are the choices we take. Every inch you move affects the timeline of your life. First look it is small and insignificant but it matters. Every little thing, every detail matters. What you decide to eat for breakfast–whether taking it light or heavy which could affect the rest of your day when your tummy begins making horrible grumbling noises in class with your crush seated behind you, or if it gives you enough energy to stay awake; whether you decide to leave for school earlier than usual, because you don’t want to be late and crash into a road accident on the way, still ending up late anyway. Taking another route, a different direction, a stray from the usual and bumping into old faces, new places, thoughts that emerge from the visions in front of you and the thumping feelings that let you know that you are here, you breathe, you’re not a lost cause.

I received a comment on my previous post from a girl named Adrienne who is also on WordPress (atreegrowsinbklyn if you want to check her out) letting me know that she appreciates the personal contemplations I write on here, which smacked my head because just minutes ago, I created a post feeling low entitled “Nobody really appreciates me” then deleted it right after thinking it was bordering ’emo’ which is the one adjective I hate being associated with, its runner up being ‘sad.’ And of course, as always my thoughts somehow stray on God, even though we aren’t really on speaking terms my heart still calls out to him, waits a while, then shuts Him out again when silence is all that’s there, and here comes Adrienne minutes after, making me think, letting me know what I choose to ignore.

I don’t believe in coincidences. There is a fate– the good kind that comes from the universe and ultimately from the One who loves us most, and there is a beautiful process in the making; sometimes so simple it’s easy to overlook. It’s going to take me a while to get from where I was and move forward but I am certain I will make it somehow, some day in this journey I walk. This wasn’t random, I don’t think, and there is a God trying to tell me something, or cheer me up, or shine bright rays of light on me, dancing stars that shimmer in the dark so I can know I am not alone; that He is out there and He’s never stopped watching; that He is silent for a reason; and that I will never cease being loved. There is a God but as usual here I am, writing this instead of talking to Him. I’m overwhelmed, weak, vulnerable, and ashamed, and I don’t know how to fix me so I can be worth it for Him again. I want to please but right now isn’t right yet. Knock again in a minute, Dad. Knock until I’m ready. Knock 1440 minutes every day, or if you’d rather 86400 seconds that’s okay too. Knock me out until I’m too tired of the hard effort at keeping me shut. They say God does 99% of the work; that sometimes all you need to give is just a little back. So little it’s ridiculous but in God’s eyes it’s more than enough. It’s going to take me some time. Good thing Dads love their daughters so much to hold all the drama and wait it out. They wait until you’re ready to face them and the world again. I am confident God will do the same.

There is a God, and I am a human girl, and who’s to say love cannot exist between the two because in the end there is a Dad and there is a daughter and because of this, everything is enough. Every thing is ultimately love.

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4 thoughts on “God lives.

    • The first comment sounds like a spam. Consult Akismet to find out. Hehe! 🙂

      But anyway, I have this urge to write about my own problem of logic about God. To be quite honest, I have been thinking about that since I was a junior high school student and up until now. Thoughts about doubt, salvation, and including metaphysics as well. But it’s strange since I’m a catechist. When I confided it during my confession with a priest, I was scolded then advised that I should not resolve things on my own and seek affirmation from people like him. I’m not really strong in showing my personal thoughts about God unlike you. I’m more inclined to contemplating in silence since I decided to join a religious formation. Sorry for speaking my heart out loud and thanks for posting this.:D

      • Hey Allen! It’s been a long time! Anyway, I find that writing usually… fixes me up, even if it’s for a little while. Without writing, my thoughts just get jumbled and my feelings go to waste and I end up feeling more lost than before. No matter what the topic is, even if it’s about God, you should write. I’m not exactly in good terms with Him either and I can’t say that I’m trying although I do know God is personal and so you have to straighten things out by going to Him (and not priests who for some reason although they mean well, can’t help you). Contemplation is good, and I used to do this too, but I often find that what I realize I forget which is why I have to write. So I can remember. I hope all is well with you and thank you as well 😀

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