I have fluttering thoughts and images I can’t dismiss, feelings I can’t let go, and dreams I don’t wish to give up. There is a completely different person in my head than who I am acting out, a front in for an audience that stares me down, and there are days when I wish they’d all just stop and leave me alone; let me be me without looking. But I am also craving for attention– the kind where somebody comes up to you and talks to you just because you seem interesting and he doesn’t want to let you go before he knows your name. I have invisible watchers in my head and it’s time I let them go.
What happens if the person you are isn’t you? Everybody always said that it’s the actions that define a person but then there’s also the saying that you are who you are when nobody is watching. How can I be a completely different person in my mind than who I am to the world? How can I be so hidden when I am not fine; when I am struggling to be known and to share myself with the world. I don’t want to keep to myself anymore. I’m tired of the clash. I’m tired of losing myself again and again before anybody gets to come close.
Please close the distance between you and me. It’s not that I don’t want you; I’m just shy and scared. I could smile but you’d never know all the emotions that shake my core to grief, to love, and to inflict pain, and I realize that sometimes all you need is a human being to take a chance on you to get you to start on living again.
I need somebody to come help me up. I don’t think I have it in me to do it alone. It’s been too long.
I’ve been too long and as usual, I am always too little too late.