On looking at the mirror and feeling like dying.

I wish I could be this skinny again. I hate it that when I look at the mirror I’m not happy with what I see, and it’s not that I don’t accept the way I am– I just don’t particularly accept the fact that I’ve gained weight. Every time dad sees me eat, he tells me I need to gym already which means that it’s even worse than I thought– people are starting to notice, especially my dad. I’ve been so stagnant and lazy, eating and eating and eating without moving to burn off that ew, I am so disgusting when I look at myself. I can’t believe I let myself get this far. It makes me want to go anorexic (see how lazy I am; I’d rather not eat than work out!). But the truth is I have and I can’t deny it anymore by not looking in the mirror and pretending I’m alright, that I’m still thin in my head because I’m NOT. I have to push and give effort on losing weight again and I am so afraid of the struggle that I haven’t even started yet, so afraid of not succeeding that I haven’t moved. Do you see what a coward I am? I know who I want to be but I’m still too afraid of change, not wanting to let go of what is familiar, not wanting to work even just a little bit to achieve. The worst thing that crosses my mind is actually participating in the act and coming up with ZERO results or worse –more weight gain. I just want to start shedding them off already. I want quick results so the sooner it’s off, the sooner everybody gets off my case and the sooner I can start living my life. I have to put this irrational fear out of my mind of not changing. Let me move, and let me change, and let me lose all this off. I have to begin somewhere. God, just please let it work. Please. I am going to try my best at exercise here but please, let my body and the universe cooperate with me too. I AM GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT. May the force be with me.

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