I have to remind myself that this is a good thing; the ache and hollow pang I feel in my chest when I know I’ve lied to somebody so bad, pretended to be somebody I’m not, and had him fall in love for that very person. Maybe he doesn’t feel or doesn’t care, just wants me out of his life, but to me I don’t want to hurt anymore; hurt in the sense that I don’t want to inflict that kind of pain on anybody else and I am better of as myself.
There is something in courage that’s so aligning, from going completely off path to finally regaining your step, and it is courage that fits when you keep through the right length this time when all of you screams to turn back and try something different because it is easier. I have to keep telling myself that I have to be strong; even in the little things in life that in detail do not truly matter because if I can’t do the simple things in courage, how ever can I expect myself to be strong when harder things come my way? Little things add up and I cannot ignore any longer. Such as days when there is a group work and I know I should speak up but don’t, out of fear and intimidation and rejection; and days when I am asked a question I know I can answer correctly but shy away, choosing the background away from the volunteers who have the stronger characters to succeed. And then there are even the little things, when mom asks me to do something so simple as errands, and it also takes courage to follow through; to step out of my little warm home where all is safe and nice and ultimately boring to something more. I have to remind myself that from now on, I am going to have to say YES. To raising my hand and reciting in class, to volunteering to be class beadle, to speaking up in group works and brainstorming ideas, to finally trusting and believing in myself that I can do this, that I can also become, and that I am also worthy to be heard. I have been afraid so long that I never took my growth to the next level, quietly sitting back and letting others speak up while I forgone my own. I am in need of breaking this protective covering that truly bars, and in breaking free into the light where I am entitled to experience more things by getting out, slowly into the opening. To new hurts, loves, experiences, friends, enemies, rejections and finally acceptances– what I have struggled to win for so long but realized I cannot do it if my hands are clenched and safe. I have to get loose and break. All my life I have questioned my ability to do things because I let myself become so insecure that people questioned me. It’s like a normal person being told by a psychiatrist he has a mental deficiency and even if he is completely normal, because he is told so it seeps into his way of thinking and he begins to act like it. Soon he becomes the person he was told he is. That’s how powerful words are, or even actions or body languages. They can be so compelling they have the ability to make you doubt your own self. This is what I am: a self-doubter. Because people doubted me, I doubted too.
But no more.
God, have you ever felt the kind of supersonic force that swifts through your whole nerve system when somebody tells you “I believe in you”? You’d never know if he meant it or not too but it’d be a lie if I said it didn’t help. There’s so much power in having one person know that you can do it; it brings you back and washes away all your doubt and you think to yourself “hey this person thinks I can do it” and that is enough to get you to try again. I was forced to do the guessing game in History two days ago and I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t want to let my group down. But my group stuck by me and believed in me and helped me so much along the way– strangers I did not know working as one to help me succeed and in the end I win and I get the right guess and the guy in the front even high-fives me before I get back on my seat. You don’t know the heat of the smile I tried to hide the entire day after that. People believed in me enough to help me win. I then realized that before you can have people believe in you or accept you, you will first have to accept yourself. Who you are splays on towards people: the way you look at yourself shows. People don’t doubt me because they think I truly am not capable. People doubt me because I doubt me. And when I doubt me, all else is over. A forfeit I never meant.
I am meant for more than I am holding back. It is time I started believing it. Time I started believing in me.